Cut the bullsh*t

I started this blog in hopes of finding myself. 1 week into it and I feel more lost than ever. I feel like a fraud. I had high hopes that I would give tips and tricks on how to better manage your home, your sandwich status, finances, time, and life.

The reality is, I don’t know what I’m doing. I have these dreams and ambitions to be more, do more, and find out what I was meant to be.

I tend to start out with a dream and then it fizzles out because I fear I’m not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc. etc. etc.

The thing is I want all of those things. I want a career that I can stay home with my kids. I want to utilize my education, after all I spent 7 years getting it. I want to be a boss.

I want to be debt free. I want to have my time truly be my time. I don’t want to be told what to do with my time.

I also want to have a functioning home that doesn’t induce stress the minute I walk in……and I don’t mean the sounds of my children fighting (mom humor). I want to find a routine that works for me. I want less things in my home. Less things means less to clean.

I don’t want to trust anyone else to take care of my father. I know that I can do more and do better. The dream goal is that my husband opens his own business once I start working. The thing is, while I trust my husband, I don’t want him carrying the responsibility of caring for my father, while I’m working. But how can I work while also shouldering this responsibility?

Real talk…..I’m a 30 year old mom of three. I have a masters degree. I haven’t worked a real job in 8 years (since I was pregnant with my oldest). I am a caregiver to my disabled veteran father. I have also started taking on the care of my stepmother, who I have a horrible relationship with (think Cinderella without the ball and prince at the end, maybe a little less cleaning). My children are my life. But I want something more. I want something for myself. Yet, I feel like I’m being pulled in five thousand directions, none of which are my own.

I’m so busy running everyone else’s life…….I’ve only been living a fraction of my own. So it stops today.

I’m not going to pretend I have all of the answers. Because, I don’t. What I can tell you non-existent readers, future readers, or Charlotte 10 years from now, I’m just trying to figure it all out.

I don’t want to look back 10 years from now thinking “I should have done this.” Or “If I had only started then.”

So here we go. Welcoming my 30’s and documenting each step of the way.

Will you join me in finding myself?